Why Connections Matter

You may doubt that it’s possible, but sometimes the first word of a message can tell you a lot about the sender, and the first sentence in general can be pretty revealing. How great would it be to really connect with people during those first few syllables?

There it is, right in the opening line. Whose name do you see there – the sender’s or yours? Instant turn-off, right? Back when I wrote four inch thick marketing proposals for a living, it was one of my biggest pet peeves. A client who also happened to be a friend woke me up to this idea. “If we’re the ones who are going to be writing the multi-million dollar checks, shouldn’t OUR name go first?” Invariably, my bosses would cross it out and put me in writer’s time out for failing to open with, “Here at Dunder Mifflin, yak yak yak…”

But enough about YOU. Let’s talk about ME.

That seemed to be the only message that got through no matter how many fun facts we stuffed into that binder. It was kind of a game show mentality, really. We got so lost in spewing as many answers as possible before the buzzer that we completely missed the opportunity to connect with anyone. Imagine how that approach would work on a date.

I’m not anti-marketing. People on both sides of the connection need enough information to make responsible decisions about the relationship. The tricky part for me has been knowing how much information is enough and what parts are useful. Honestly? I haven’t found a balance that satisfies me yet, but I’m a lot more mindful of it than I used to be.

Little symbolic things like putting the client’s name first reminded me to let go of clever technique for a minute and just be available to form genuine bonds with the people on the other end. Leading off with their identity forced me to ask myself what I really knew about them. It got my mind off my “story” and onto saying something important.

The author Matthew Kelly made a big impact on my thoughts in this area with his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy. He offers a fresh model that sheds a lot of light on human connection. The title suggests a focus on romantic relationships, but he also shows how the seven levels have a powerful influence on business and family connections.

There’s more to the book, but I’ll share three quick applications with you:

Have a common purpose. The connection has a better chance to thrive if it has a reason to exist outside of one immediate transaction. Why are we doing this? Don’t assume that everyone knows. Too many meetings skip to assigning action items before anybody has a clue what they’re for – a fact they’re often scared to admit.

Dig beyond the obvious. The vast majority of day to day communication in the business world rarely gets past the level of clichés and facts. The good stuff is almost never on the surface. It’s the experiences, assumptions and even fears beneath the outer layers that enable the most resonance and fuel the best creativity.

See the whole person. The things people say they want (and the reasons they give for wanting them) may not always be the real ones. You may not know what they are yet, but the business at hand is rarely separate from the emotional, spiritual and intellectual parts of the person across the table from you. The client who asks you for the most data is often the one making the most emotional buying decision.

One of the original “mad men” from the 1960s was Stan Freberg, whose advertising motto was “slightly more honesty than the client had in mind.” His work was unusual at the time because he often took his client’s most embarrassing disadvantage and made it the centerpiece of the ad campaign. Besides being funny, the honesty established intimacy and trust. Yes, there IS such a thing as too much information, but almost any business relationship can be improved when we have the courage to be vulnerable and connect.

Questions: What experience can you recall where forming a deeper connection brought you better results than expected? Did the vulnerability feel risky at first?